poems from a hospital.

1.its smells like hell in here
and i'm going crazy in silence
i don't feel any different
but they say that's going to change
i didn't think i'd do it but then
i actually did and when they asked
me what my problem was, all i could
say was, "pain."
i'm not so sure about the help.
but i'm not one to say
i can't wait for this to work
maybe then i'll be sane.

2.i want a cigarette.
i need something
i want to belong to
a group i never wanted
i've got this bracelet
made of jewels and sorrow
at least i know that while
i'm here there'll be tomorrow

3.it's so much easier to just smile, and say please and thank youto be so small and submissive and when they like me, so do i.
when i'm alone, there's no one there to tell me that i'm not
who i think i am.
i'm not who i see in the mirror.

4.i'm scared to go outside
i hate your eyes
i want to die
when the day comes
i'm all alone
then light is gone
i start to cry.
i don't know why.

5.i hear her whispers in the dark
she eats her words while she is sleeping
i however cannot sleep
i'm awake and i am dreaming

6.they don't know shit
they try to diagnose
but i just want to tell
them where to stick it
fuck all this noise
i'm going to break something
i don't know what to say
when they ask me if i
still want to die.
the answer is always yes.

7.my head is someplace else today
i want to tear down everything
and watch it crumble
what have i done to live like this
why do i feel this darkness
why am i filled with emptiness
why do my wrists ache for pain
why am i so sure that death
is the only way
what would make me want to stay
fuck it.
i hate this.

8.my hopes and dreams are always on a shelf i can't reach
there're no stepping stones lining this pathway
i could wait for now forever
but i'm sure now would never come
i'll be alone and cold
my pain today comes from deep inside me
it aches, as a punishment for being who i am
as every moment passes, hope drains
down into the time slip.
they looked like genuine jewels.
but i was tricked.
now i'm rich with fool's gold.
when there's nothing left to say
will i even feel anything
or will the pain just stay
the pain always stays.
coming and going in the market,
all the fruit were rotten inside.
i tasted them all, just to be sure.