to him.

i love you because there is beauty in your heart. you call me queen because i am a queen when i am with you. you make me beautiful, you make me smile. when we talked for the first time i wanted to let you in because i trusted you, you of all people who i barely knew, but i knew there was something to trust in you. you as a knight are held in highest honor for your qualities. you are chivalrous, loyal, and noble. you fight for what you believe in. you have passion. when i see something burning in you, i catch fire; your love makes me flammable. no one ignites me like you because no one else has your chemical makeup. something in you mixes with me in a way i will never understand, but i never want to be without it. i always wonder about the nature of things: of life, of god, but not of you. you were created beautifully. i not only love you, but i love what i see and feel inside you. no matter what you say i will always wish that i could somehow be inside you. i dont want to know facts. i want to hear the way you think, how you think, as you think. because that is what i love in you. that will never change. i will always love you.

1:51 pm - beauty in tears.

there's a certain beauty in tears
dark circles
running makeup is beauty spreading over a reddened face
looking at myself in a mirror
through falling tears,
i see beauty in a single drop of sadness running its course over my cheek
it glistens like any jewel would.
blemishes blur
and i see my face in simplicity.
black eyes, black hair
red face, red lips
there's beauty in simplicity
and there is beauty in my face.
it took tears and a mirror to bring this to my attention.

1:21 am - lonely upset angry violent frustrated sad
the thing out of everything that makes me angriest
is when you want something to work one way
and then it doesn't.
it turns out wrong
like today, in general
but i have to learn to let things go
which is hard for me
but hopefully someone will help me out with that someday
hopefully the doctor on monday will help me with that
hopefully i will be able to go to therapy and someone will help me organize my thoughts so i dont have to be upset all the time
i hate always being upset
and i cant really find a reason to be happy right now
i mean i can... but right now there are tears running down my face and i dont understand why things cant just go smoothly for a week. i ask for a week

my faith is weak.